Don't Touch Me There

All the Single Babies...EXPOSED!!!!

2009-10-02T00:19:00.002-04:00

So for the last week or ten years or whatever, the people of America have been obsessed with one thing and one thing only: their own looming mortality.

OH, but also we've been obsessed with the ALL THE SINGLE BABIES video. As you already know, unless you're some kind of fucking dummy, the video revolves around a baby who dances to Beyonce's "Single Ladies". But not in the way a baby usually dances, like "Oh look that baby's kinda moving, maybe it has Parkinson's? Should we return the baby?" No, not like that. This baby has crisp dance moves that are in tune with the beat and look like they were choreographed by the ghost of Debbie Allen herself. Just take a look:

All the Single Babies Dance - Watch more Funny Videos

So yes, it's completely understandable why "All The Single Babies"is the biggest video of all time and a cultural touchstone for a generation. That baby is amazing.

Except for one small detail... that's not a fucking baby, people.

According to a report by Slate dot com and the US Department of Justice, evidence has now surfaced revealing that the "baby" is actually infamous 48-year-old midget con artist Henry Detoqueville.

Detoqueville, seen here in his only known photo taken during the Bloodfest '87: Midgets of Wrestling pay-per-view extravaganza, has topped the FBI's Most Wanted Dwarves for almost 15 years. Regarded as a master of disguise and quite the little chef, Detoqueville has been suspected of thousands of scams over the years. Posing as children, babies, small dogs and even once as a tiny paper doll, he has managed to bilk numerous families out of their life savings and cookie supplies. He has only been caught once, serving 30 days in a juvenile detention facility despite being 32 at the time because, as Judge Sotamayor put it "Ahh come on, he's just a midget." But now it appears this miniature mastermind has pulled off the scam of the century, posing as a baby in one of the most popular videos of all-time. The FBI, who fear that the reputation of such sites as Break.com, College Humor, FunnyFuckinShit.com, and HahahaDickFartKablooey.org may now be compromised and are conducting an intense nationwide manhunt to bring this tiny troublemaker to justice. Despite committing no actual crime or profiting from the hoax in any way, if captured it is believed that Detoqueville would face punishment of being beaten to death and shit on during a live episode of the Maury Povich Show.

All the single babies INDEED. And that's my two cents. Keep the change, and buy yourself somethin' nice. Yeah, I said it.

AFI's "Three Years, Three Laughs: The Top 12 DTMT FIlms of All-Time!" #8: Hidden Camera Guy

2009-05-21T13:54:00.003-04:00

While our previous film was retardingly inspirational and uplifting, the next entry on our list takes us on a dark journey that still haunts audiences to this very day. Clocking in at #8 on AFI's list of "The Top 12 DTMT FIlms of All-Time" it's the disturbing vigilante tale "Hidden Camera Guy".

The story, much like gritty 1970s films such as Taxi Driver, Mean Streets, and Baby's Day Out, takes square aim at the seedy underbelly of society, casting a grim light on that society and saying "Hey, society, what the hell man? Come on now." The main character is a deranged overweight vigilante named Pat Stango (played by Fantasy Island's Herve Villechaize in a bravura performance) who seeks to thwart both terrorism and baby-murder with a series of ill-placed hidden cameras. The film was criticized upon release for its gratuitous violence and hardcore nudity, although there is neither of those in the actual film as the character is horrible at catching criminals and also Pat would never appear naked on camera because of intense body issues. "Hidden Camera Guy" was blamed for inspiring a spread of inept vigilante justice, mostly involving people throwing old VHS camcorders at one another. It is presumed that none of those people actually saw the film.

The film also contains a rare performance by the enigmatic David Mellissy, who plays both the stereotypical Russian gangster and the narrator. It is believed that Mellissy went mad from yelling out the titular line "HidDen CaMera!", and now delivers pizza at a Papa Gino's. And now at number 8, we present to you the primal scream that is "Hidden Camera Guy"

AFI's DTMT List! Number 9: Milkcrate

2009-05-20T16:35:00.003-04:00

We now return to CBS's presentation of "AFI's Three Years, Three Laughs: The Top 12 DTMT Movies of All-Time" with what most consider to be the most touching and deeply-felt motion pictures in the DTMT canon. Released in the tumultuous spring of 2008, the film "Milkcrate" immediately touched an emotional cord with the handicapped, and all those who love or enjoy making fun of them. Based on the true story of Fred Milkcrate (which itself was later found to be completely untrue and actually just part of an insurance scam) the film told the story of the world's first mentally retarded heart surgeon. Critics lauded it immediately and credited the film in succeeding where other "retard pictures" such as Radio, Forrest Gump, and The Other Sister had failed—namely that it had the retard character kill dozens of people, whether by accident or pure retard rage. Though most people remember the film for Steve Bossous ("Steve Loves Porno", Militant Black Warrior") and his movingly retarded lead performance, which earned him an Academy Award nomination for "Best Tard Scream", the film was notable for many reasons.

- Blaine Perry as "Doctor Coach", once again disgracing his family with another over-the-top Texas accent.

- Pat Stango forgetting to pick up suspenders for his part of the evil Mayor, and instead tying together some elastic bands that he found on the floor five minutes before shooting.

- DTMT co-producer Eliza Faria-Santos, and her bizarre insistence that her character should be inexplicably covered in peanut butter during the film's most crucial scene— a scene which most critics later agreed to be one of the bravest ever committed to celluloid.

- The first depiction of the DTMT "Mayor rule", which is that if someone kills the mayor then that person automatically gets to become mayor.

- Lastly, a little known fact is that the film was originally set to be called "Stereo", with the main character carrying a stereo around is chest, but as it were Pat & Blaine both forgot to bring a stereo to the filmshoot. When they saw a half broken milkcrate on the floor they quickly decided that the milkcrate would be funnier, and also they wouldn't have to go home to get a stereo. Thus, cinema history was made.

Now, we present to you the number 9 film on our list, the inspirational tale: MILKCRATE...

AFI's DTMT List! Number 10: Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service

2009-05-20T14:38:00.002-04:00

We now crack the top ten of our list with a recent film, 2009's "Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service and Chopshop." Though it didn't enjoy the same critical accolades or box-office success of others on the list, and the director himself disowned the film and hung himself in the diaper aisle of a Piggly-Wiggly immediately after its release, many fans argue that this marked a major turning point for DTMT. Namely, they bought a greenscreen and stapled it to the wall in Blaine's apartment. This historic technological leap, combined with Pat Stango's just mind-bogglingly bad lead performance as "Uncle Ernie"(a character who speaks in both awful Italian AND Jewish accents while wearing a blond wig), make this one of the more challenging, and thereby rewarding, films in DTMT history.

So take off your sneakers, grab a slice of Papa Pete's pizza, and remember: NO FREE SNAPPLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! It's the Number 10 pick, "Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service and Chopshop.":

AFI Countdown of the Greatest DTMT Movies of All-Time! Number 11: Steve Loves Porno

2009-05-20T14:00:00.002-04:00

We continue our historic countdown of the greatest DTMT movies of all-time with one of the most sexually charged films in DTMT history. When it premiered during the summer of 2006 on only two screens (at Mo Pitkins in the East Village and at the "Tittyshack Triple-X Delights" adult moviehouse in Hoboken), the film "Steve Loves Porno" (aka 'Steve's Love", as it appeared in most print advertising) was an instant sensation. Curious moviegoers lined up around the block to witness the tale of Steve Jacobs (played by "Black Militant Warrior" star Steve Bossous), a promiscuous young man with a bizarre sexual partner. Family values organizations protested the film and Bill Donahue of the Catholic League deemed it a "herpes sore on the upper-lip of Jesus Christ", a statement which went on to create more controversy than the film itself. Nevertheless Bossous and his partners persevered, and the film went on to become a art house sensation and one of the most jerked-off-to films of all-time, perhaps second only to John Candy's strange 1987 thriller "Boner Police".

So without further ado, here is the #11 film on our list, "Steve Loves Porno":

AFI's Three Years, 3 Laughs: A Countdown of the 12 Greatest DTMT Movies of All-Time!

2009-05-20T13:26:00.002-04:00

In honor of Don't Touch Me There's historic Three-Year Anniversary this Friday May 22, the American Film Institute has decided to count down the 12 greatest DTMT films of all-time! It's been quite an undertaking to say the least, with dozens of AFI historians, interns and labor from the penal system combing through hours of classic DTMT footage. AFI then assembled an all-star blue ribbon panel to choose the films. The panel consists of cinematic icons: Roger Ebert, Cornel West, the ghost of Pauline Kael, Cicely Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and legendary director Martin Scorsese's limo driver Joey Scarpaccio.

The list itself is sure to foster debate, create controversy, and incite race riots. So sit back, enjoy, and take a trip down memory lane as we relive the greatest DTMT films of all-time!

We begin with the #12 film, 2007's SCIENCE DAD. Hailed during it's release for the way it dealt with questions of science, mortality, and lame family sitcoms, "Science Dad" went on to earn 3 nominations at 2007's Independent Spirit Awards, including a best supporting actor nod for Sean Donnelly in the controversial role of "Monroe", the next door neighbor who enjoyed taking dumps in people's bathrooms. The production was filmed in one day at Amanda Pettit's family home in Long Island, and Pat & Blaine got severely lost while driving back into the city. They had to call up Amanda several times to clarify the directions.

So with that, we now present the #12 greatest DTMT movie of all-time, SCIENCE DAD.

Win a date with Pat Stango !!!!!

2009-02-11T13:57:00.002-05:00

Hey Everybody as an added bonus this week on thie show we will have a little thing called

WIN A DATE WITH PAT STANGO (Pictured above)

So show up this saturday 7pm Ochis for your chance at a truly loving relationship that will last maybe 80 or 90 minutes

The Lil Seany Boy Show
Valentines edition
Sat Feb 14th
7pm
Comix ( Ochis Lounge)
353 W 14th Street (corner of ninth ave)
No Cover

This week we welcome

Steve Bossous
Chris Laker
Dan St. Germain
Matt Goldich
Paul Goncalves
Jason Saenz

See you there !

DOPEY FUCK OF THE WEEK

2008-09-03T13:51:00.001-04:00

NEW YORK (AP) — The "preppie killer" who served 15 years behind bars for strangling a woman in Central Park during what he said was rough sex is headed back to prison for a drug offense.
Robert Chambers pleaded guilty Monday to criminal sale of a controlled substance and assault on a police officer. He and his girlfriend were arrested in October 2007 in an undercover sting at their Manhattan apartment on charges of dealing cocaine.
The district attorney's office said Chambers has been promised 19 years and four months in prison when he is sentenced next month. Chambers will get six years on the assault charge, which will run concurrently, and will have five years of supervision after his release.
A telephone call to Chambers' attorney, Valerie Van Leer-Greenberg, was not immediately returned Monday.
Chambers initially pleaded not guilty and was facing life in prison if convicted after trial. His attorney had planned to present a psychiatric defense at trial, arguing that his brain and judgment were damaged because of years of drug abuse. She had said he was using up to 12 bags of heroin plus other drugs each day at the time of his arrest.
Chambers' girlfriend, Shawn Kovell, admitted in state Supreme Court in December that the two sold narcotics to an undercover detective. Under the terms of her plea deal, she was sent to a drug rehabilitation center, and upon completion of her program she will be allowed to withdraw the guilty plea and plead to a lesser charge so she can receive a sentence of probation.
Her lawyer, Frank Rothman, said at the time that she was a drug addict and that it was her first arrest.
Chambers, now 41, became tabloid fodder in 1986 after the death of Jennifer Levin, an 18-year-old graduate of the exclusive Baldwin School, during a tryst in Central Park. The slaying made headlines as a story of a handsome, privileged prep school youth gone bad.
Chambers pleaded guilty in 1988 to manslaughter and was released from prison in 2003 after serving the maximum 15 years because of discipline problems behind bars, including dealing drugs.
A year after his release from prison, police arrested him for misdemeanor heroin possession and unlicensed driving. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to 100 days in jail and was fined $200.

John McCain Tells Barack Obama to Suck his Dick

2008-08-20T23:56:00.005-04:00

A combative John McCain said Wednesday that the presumptive Democratic Presidental Nominee Barack Obama can “Suck my dick” in a response to Obama's accusations that McCain would continue President Bush's failed economic policies.

McCain, campaigning in Massachusetts, is hoping that his strong words will galvanize the heavy smug asshole vote and win the state after Republican losses in all recent presidential elections.

In response, Senator Obama accused Senator McCain of “the same old tired Washington politics of trying to get people to suck their dick.”

Former President Bill Clinton could not be reached for comment.

The Dark Knight Review

2008-08-16T19:46:00.008-04:00

If you haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, then get out of my country. The Dark Knight is possibly the best film made in the last 300 years and that's including Glitter, Birth of a Nation, and Kangaroo Jack. In fact, if you took those three movies and combined them into one Supermovie and then that Supermovie went to a fancy club with its girlfriend and they sat down next to The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight would start chatting up Supermovie's girlfriend and then while Supermovie went to the bathroom, The Dark Knight would take Supermovie's girlfriend back to its apartment and get it on. And it would do some real sick shit with her, too. I'm talking front, back, spanking, spitting, arguing, and those things you only joke about doing with your friends, like The Pirate Eye, The Leaning Horseshoe, The 25 Cent Ante, The Brilliant Penguin, The Late-Night Jury Duty, The Missionary Position, etc. Look, I'm not saying The Dark Knight is going to be a gentleman. But that just shows you how fucking awesome this movie is.

If you have seen the movie, then you know that Batman dies at the end. SPOILER ALERT! Now, a lot of reviews will write "spoiler alert" before the spoiler. Not here. We write the spoiler and then let you know the movie has been spoiled. But don't worry, I didn't actually tell you how he dies. And that's really the interesting part. So if you watch the movie right now, you'll still enjoy it. Batman dies of AIDS. SPOILER ALERT! Yup, you had to keep reading, didn't you? You couldn't control yourself. I warned you. Think of it this way. Whenever you see "spoiler alert" in a review, you probably continue reading anyway. We go ahead and ruin it for you and this way you don't have to get angry at yourself. But you still might be able to salvage some pleasure from watching the movie if you stop reading right now, because we haven't told you the unusual way Batman acquires AIDS. BOILER ALERT! Just testing you. It said "boiler alert," not "spoiler alert." You're right on the edge here. The movie could get spoiled at any moment and yet you're still reading. This is a serious game of chicken we're playing. Who's it going to be? Batman acquires the disease by stepping on a used needle at Gotham Coney Island, which is remarkably similar to Coney Island in New York City. SPOILER ALERT!

The poignant moral of The Dark Knight is that no matter what you do and how many precautions you take, you could die at any moment because of something that is completely beyond your control, and you should live every moment in constant fear. That's why I always keep a concealed sawed-off shotgun on my person any time I leave my apartment. So if you see me on the street, you better not make eye contact with me for more than four seconds unless you're itching to catch some lead. I dare you, motherfucker!

Morgan Freeman is innocent. Free Morgan Freeman.

2008-08-07T10:20:00.003-04:00

This is tragic what’s happening to Morgan Freeman. He flips over his car, breaks his shoulder, his arm and his elbow, and less than a week later, he finds out that his wife is divorcing him.
Apparently, he had a “female friend” in the car with him, who the media is reporting as his mistress. So, the man flips over his car with a female passenger in it, and everyone just assumes that he’s having an affair. He’s wasn’t cheating on his wife, he was Driving Miss Daisy.

PET SEMETARY III

2008-08-06T10:05:00.005-04:00

This lady is gonna eat this fucking dog!

There I was trying to get over the Montauk Monster when all of a sudden I see this article . When I saw the picture I thought it was just about a woman showing a puppy her new Michael Mckeon from Spinal Tap haircut . It turns out it was about some crazy lady who paid 50 grand to have her pitbulls cloned . Because thats what the world needs right ? More Pitbulls. This isn't fun and heartwarming like the movie "Multiplicity" . This is creepy and weird like the movie "As Good as it Gets". Just look at the picture . She looks like the villian in a movie about an old lady who wants to shut down the puppy pound to build a shopping mall . She looks like a Jim Henson creation . She looks like the drummer from the band in the muppet show but not as hot . She looks like Buddy Hackett with a wig on ......OK , OK I'm done

Enough Already!!! with the Montauk Monster

2008-08-05T23:32:00.002-04:00

Welcome to another edition of "Enough Already!", where I, famed gadfly and man-about-town Pat Stango, take on a ubiquitous person, place, or food and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Last week I railed against doorknobs and Leeza Gibbons. This week the focus of my bitter spew shall be...

The Montauk Monster!

For those of you living under a freakin' rock, the Montauk Monster is this monster that washed up on the beach in Montauk and goddamn its pretty much the only thing people can talk about nowadays. I'll be on the subway minding my own business eating an egg sandwich, and some idiot will yell out "Hey Pat did you see that Montauk Monster?" or "That Montauk Monster sure is something, right Pat?", or "Please stop spitting egg sandwich on my face." Well guess what, I'm sick of the Montauk Monster and NO I won't stop spitting egg on you. It's a FREE COUNTRY pal. But seriously people, this Montauk Monstermania is out of control. Why just last night I was having dirty sex with my fiance Leeza Gibbons when she stopped to ask me if I thought the Montauk Monster might be a racoon. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

AHHHHH!!! As I'm writing this very rant, CNN is reproting that the Montauk Monster is in talks to record a CD of Hannakuh songs with Natalie Cole. What the hell??? I don't get why people love this thing so much. In a recent speech in front of 850,000 people in Denmark, Barack Obama said that "The Montauk Monster represents the hope of all Americans to create a better world for their children and that change is possible anywhere you believe in it. Also I think it's a turtle." Really Obama??? Maybe you should spend less time worrying about the Montauk Monster and more time figuring out how to lower the price of my freakin' egg sandwiches. ANYWAY, my good pal and Montauk Monster enthusiast Sean Donnelly tried to explain the appeal to me. "The thing about the Montauk Monster," Sean explained while enjoying a shave at the local guinea barbershop, "is that you just don't know whether it's a bloated dog, or maybe a bloated racoon, or maybe even a bloated cat. Or it could be a dog, like I mentioned earlier. That's what people are into."

So perhaps Sean and Obama are right. Perhaps this Montauk Monster reminds us all of a simpler time, a time when men were men and women were women, when infants were criminally insane, when the local shoestore gave you a two shoes and a newsreel for a nickel, when cars didn't have engines and THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKED IT. So I apologize to thee, Montauk Monster, for yee are a gentleman amongst gentleman. And to those who say ENOUGH ALREADY to the Montauk Monster, I say for shame. And that's all I have to say about that.

MONTAUK MONSTER and GUIDO .........

2008-08-05T11:32:00.003-04:00

seperated at Birth ??

DOPEY FUCK !

2008-07-24T11:16:00.004-04:00

What a moron this guy is . This genius is Apollo Braun, a hacky clothing designer who came up with these retarded tshirts .

Why does he have pictures all over his wall? He is like a 14 year old girl . How many Bop magazines did it take to cover that wall ? I think I see a Corey Haim/Corey Feldman joint centerfold right behind him .

( Not pictured is his fave Josh Hartnett Comforter and sheets set !!!! )

This guy is the worst . He looks like a tranny on their day off .

I think that mullet came with the hat when he bought it .

We Make Blog Now

2008-07-21T15:21:00.000-04:00

It only took us two years, but we finally created a blog. The big hold up was trying to decipher that stupid security code in order to setup the account. You know, this thing:

Seriously, what the hell is that? Kitten? Moqtada? Labia? It took us two solid years with our best men looking into it to finally figure it out. We lost three of them to scurvy in the process. They were good men and so young, and our hearts go out to their families. Sure, there was no need for us to deprive them of vitamin C, but ultimately it was worth it for us to be able to post weekly dick jokes for our loyal fans.

So get ready for a steady stream of our thoughts, mispeelings, and incorrect grammar as Don't Touch Me There brings you the insights of our bitter team of nerdy writers. You'll be glad you did, irregardless of who you are.