Enough Already!!! with the Montauk Monster

Welcome to another edition of "Enough Already!", where I, famed gadfly and man-about-town Pat Stango, take on a ubiquitous person, place, or food and say ENOUGH ALREADY! Last week I railed against doorknobs and Leeza Gibbons. This week the focus of my bitter spew shall be...


The Montauk Monster!

For those of you living under a freakin' rock, the Montauk Monster is this monster that washed up on the beach in Montauk and goddamn its pretty much the only thing people can talk about nowadays. I'll be on the subway minding my own business eating an egg sandwich, and some idiot will yell out "Hey Pat did you see that Montauk Monster?" or "That Montauk Monster sure is something, right Pat?", or "Please stop spitting egg sandwich on my face." Well guess what, I'm sick of the Montauk Monster and NO I won't stop spitting egg on you. It's a FREE COUNTRY pal. But seriously people, this Montauk Monstermania is out of control. Why just last night I was having dirty sex with my fiance Leeza Gibbons when she stopped to ask me if I thought the Montauk Monster might be a racoon. ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

AHHHHH!!! As I'm writing this very rant, CNN is reproting that the Montauk Monster is in talks to record a CD of Hannakuh songs with Natalie Cole. What the hell??? I don't get why people love this thing so much. In a recent speech in front of 850,000 people in Denmark, Barack Obama said that "The Montauk Monster represents the hope of all Americans to create a better world for their children and that change is possible anywhere you believe in it. Also I think it's a turtle." Really Obama??? Maybe you should spend less time worrying about the Montauk Monster and more time figuring out how to lower the price of my freakin' egg sandwiches. ANYWAY, my good pal and Montauk Monster enthusiast Sean Donnelly tried to explain the appeal to me. "The thing about the Montauk Monster," Sean explained while enjoying a shave at the local guinea barbershop, "is that you just don't know whether it's a bloated dog, or maybe a bloated racoon, or maybe even a bloated cat. Or it could be a dog, like I mentioned earlier. That's what people are into."

So perhaps Sean and Obama are right. Perhaps this Montauk Monster reminds us all of a simpler time, a time when men were men and women were women, when infants were criminally insane, when the local shoestore gave you a two shoes and a newsreel for a nickel, when cars didn't have engines and THAT'S THE WAY WE LIKED IT. So I apologize to thee, Montauk Monster, for yee are a gentleman amongst gentleman. And to those who say ENOUGH ALREADY to the Montauk Monster, I say for shame. And that's all I have to say about that.