The Dark Knight Review

If you haven't seen The Dark Knight yet, then get out of my country. The Dark Knight is possibly the best film made in the last 300 years and that's including Glitter, Birth of a Nation, and Kangaroo Jack. In fact, if you took those three movies and combined them into one Supermovie and then that Supermovie went to a fancy club with its girlfriend and they sat down next to The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight would start chatting up Supermovie's girlfriend and then while Supermovie went to the bathroom, The Dark Knight would take Supermovie's girlfriend back to its apartment and get it on. And it would do some real sick shit with her, too. I'm talking front, back, spanking, spitting, arguing, and those things you only joke about doing with your friends, like The Pirate Eye, The Leaning Horseshoe, The 25 Cent Ante, The Brilliant Penguin, The Late-Night Jury Duty, The Missionary Position, etc. Look, I'm not saying The Dark Knight is going to be a gentleman. But that just shows you how fucking awesome this movie is.

If you have seen the movie, then you know that Batman dies at the end. SPOILER ALERT! Now, a lot of reviews will write "spoiler alert" before the spoiler. Not here. We write the spoiler and then let you know the movie has been spoiled. But don't worry, I didn't actually tell you how he dies. And that's really the interesting part. So if you watch the movie right now, you'll still enjoy it. Batman dies of AIDS. SPOILER ALERT! Yup, you had to keep reading, didn't you? You couldn't control yourself. I warned you. Think of it this way. Whenever you see "spoiler alert" in a review, you probably continue reading anyway. We go ahead and ruin it for you and this way you don't have to get angry at yourself. But you still might be able to salvage some pleasure from watching the movie if you stop reading right now, because we haven't told you the unusual way Batman acquires AIDS. BOILER ALERT! Just testing you. It said "boiler alert," not "spoiler alert." You're right on the edge here. The movie could get spoiled at any moment and yet you're still reading. This is a serious game of chicken we're playing. Who's it going to be? Batman acquires the disease by stepping on a used needle at Gotham Coney Island, which is remarkably similar to Coney Island in New York City. SPOILER ALERT!

The poignant moral of The Dark Knight is that no matter what you do and how many precautions you take, you could die at any moment because of something that is completely beyond your control, and you should live every moment in constant fear. That's why I always keep a concealed sawed-off shotgun on my person any time I leave my apartment. So if you see me on the street, you better not make eye contact with me for more than four seconds unless you're itching to catch some lead. I dare you, motherfucker!