All the Single Babies...EXPOSED!!!!

So for the last week or ten years or whatever, the people of America have been obsessed with one thing and one thing only: their own looming mortality.

OH, but also we've been obsessed with the ALL THE SINGLE BABIES video. As you already know, unless you're some kind of fucking dummy, the video revolves around a baby who dances to Beyonce's "Single Ladies". But not in the way a baby usually dances, like "Oh look that baby's kinda moving, maybe it has Parkinson's? Should we return the baby?" No, not like that. This baby has crisp dance moves that are in tune with the beat and look like they were choreographed by the ghost of Debbie Allen herself. Just take a look:

All the Single Babies Dance - Watch more Funny Videos

So yes, it's completely understandable why "All The Single Babies"is the biggest video of all time and a cultural touchstone for a generation. That baby is amazing.

Except for one small detail... that's not a fucking baby, people.

According to a report by Slate dot com and the US Department of Justice, evidence has now surfaced revealing that the "baby" is actually infamous 48-year-old midget con artist Henry Detoqueville.

Detoqueville, seen here in his only known photo taken during the Bloodfest '87: Midgets of Wrestling pay-per-view extravaganza, has topped the FBI's Most Wanted Dwarves for almost 15 years. Regarded as a master of disguise and quite the little chef, Detoqueville has been suspected of thousands of scams over the years. Posing as children, babies, small dogs and even once as a tiny paper doll, he has managed to bilk numerous families out of their life savings and cookie supplies. He has only been caught once, serving 30 days in a  juvenile detention facility despite being 32 at the time because, as Judge Sotamayor put it "Ahh come on, he's just a midget." But now it appears this miniature mastermind has pulled off the scam of the century, posing as a baby in one of the most popular videos of all-time.  The FBI, who fear that the reputation of such sites as Break.com, College Humor, FunnyFuckinShit.com, and HahahaDickFartKablooey.org may now be compromised and are conducting an intense nationwide manhunt to bring this tiny troublemaker to justice. Despite committing no actual crime or profiting from the hoax in any way, if captured it is believed that Detoqueville would face punishment of being beaten to death and shit on during a live episode of the Maury Povich Show.

All the single babies INDEED. And that's my two cents. Keep the change, and buy yourself somethin' nice. Yeah, I said it. 

AFI's "Three Years, Three Laughs: The Top 12 DTMT FIlms of All-Time!" #8: Hidden Camera Guy

While our previous film was retardingly inspirational and uplifting, the next entry on our list takes us on a dark journey that still haunts audiences to this very day. Clocking in at #8 on AFI's list of "The Top 12 DTMT FIlms of All-Time" it's the disturbing vigilante tale "Hidden Camera Guy". 

    The story, much like gritty 1970s films such as Taxi Driver, Mean Streets, and Baby's Day Out, takes square aim at the seedy underbelly of society, casting a grim light on that society and saying "Hey, society, what the hell man? Come on now." The main character is a deranged overweight vigilante named Pat Stango (played by Fantasy Island's Herve Villechaize in a  bravura performance) who seeks to thwart both terrorism and baby-murder with a series of ill-placed hidden cameras. The film was criticized upon release for its gratuitous violence and hardcore nudity, although there is neither of those in the actual film as the character  is horrible at catching criminals and also Pat would never appear naked on camera because of intense body issues. "Hidden Camera Guy" was blamed for inspiring a spread of inept vigilante justice, mostly involving people throwing old VHS camcorders at one another. It is presumed that none of those people actually saw the film.

  The film also contains a rare performance by the enigmatic David Mellissy, who plays both the stereotypical Russian gangster and the narrator. It is believed that Mellissy went mad from yelling out the titular line "HidDen CaMera!", and now delivers pizza at a Papa Gino's. And now at number 8, we present to you the primal scream that is "Hidden Camera Guy"

   

AFI's DTMT List! Number 9: Milkcrate

We now return to CBS's presentation of "AFI's Three Years, Three Laughs: The Top 12 DTMT Movies of All-Time" with what most consider to be the most touching and deeply-felt motion pictures in the DTMT canon. Released in the tumultuous spring of 2008, the film "Milkcrate" immediately touched an emotional cord with the handicapped, and all those who love or enjoy making fun of them. Based on the true story of Fred Milkcrate (which itself was later found to be completely untrue and actually just part of an insurance scam) the film told the story of the world's first mentally retarded heart surgeon. Critics lauded it immediately and credited the film in succeeding where other "retard pictures" such as Radio, Forrest Gump, and The Other Sister had failed—namely that it had the retard character kill dozens of people, whether by accident or pure retard rage. Though most people remember the film for Steve Bossous ("Steve Loves Porno", Militant Black Warrior") and his movingly retarded lead performance, which earned him an Academy Award nomination for "Best Tard Scream", the film was notable for many reasons.

- Blaine Perry as "Doctor Coach", once again disgracing his family with another over-the-top Texas accent.

- Pat Stango forgetting to pick up suspenders for his part of the evil Mayor, and instead tying together some elastic bands that he found on the floor five minutes before shooting.

- DTMT co-producer Eliza Faria-Santos, and her bizarre insistence that her character should be inexplicably covered in peanut butter during the film's most crucial scene— a scene which most critics later agreed to be one of the bravest ever committed to celluloid.

- The first depiction of the DTMT "Mayor rule", which is that if someone kills the mayor then that person automatically gets to become mayor.

- Lastly, a little known fact is that the film was originally set to be called "Stereo", with the main character carrying a stereo around is chest, but as it were Pat & Blaine both forgot to bring a stereo to the filmshoot. When they saw a half broken milkcrate on the floor they quickly decided that the milkcrate would be funnier, and also they wouldn't have to go home to get a stereo. Thus, cinema history was made.

   Now, we present to you the number 9 film on our list, the inspirational tale: MILKCRATE...

AFI's DTMT List! Number 10: Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service

We now crack the top ten of our list with a recent film, 2009's "Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service and Chopshop." Though it didn't enjoy the same critical accolades or box-office success of others on the list, and the director himself disowned the film and hung himself in the diaper aisle of a Piggly-Wiggly immediately after its release, many fans argue that this marked a major turning point for DTMT. Namely, they bought a greenscreen and stapled it to the wall in Blaine's apartment. This historic technological leap, combined with Pat Stango's just mind-bogglingly bad lead performance as "Uncle Ernie"(a character who speaks in both awful Italian AND Jewish accents while wearing a  blond wig), make this one of the more challenging, and thereby rewarding, films in DTMT history.

   So take off your sneakers, grab a slice of Papa Pete's pizza, and remember: NO FREE SNAPPLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! It's the Number 10 pick, "Uncle Ernie's Greenscreen Enhancement Service and Chopshop.":

AFI Countdown of the Greatest DTMT Movies of All-Time! Number 11: Steve Loves Porno

We continue our historic countdown of the greatest DTMT movies of all-time with one of the most sexually charged films in DTMT history. When it premiered during the summer of 2006 on only two screens (at Mo Pitkins in the East Village and at the "Tittyshack Triple-X Delights" adult moviehouse in Hoboken), the film "Steve Loves Porno" (aka 'Steve's Love", as it appeared in most print advertising) was an instant sensation. Curious moviegoers lined up around the block to witness the tale of Steve Jacobs (played by "Black Militant Warrior" star Steve Bossous), a promiscuous young man with a bizarre sexual partner. Family values organizations protested the film and Bill Donahue of the Catholic League deemed it a "herpes sore on the upper-lip of Jesus Christ", a statement which went on to create more controversy than the film itself. Nevertheless Bossous and his partners persevered, and the film went on to become a art house sensation and one of the most jerked-off-to films of all-time, perhaps second only to John Candy's strange 1987 thriller "Boner Police".

  So without further ado, here is the #11 film on our list, "Steve Loves Porno":

AFI's Three Years, 3 Laughs: A Countdown of the 12 Greatest DTMT Movies of All-Time!

In honor of Don't Touch Me There's historic Three-Year Anniversary this Friday May 22, the American Film Institute has decided to count down the 12 greatest DTMT films of all-time! It's been quite an undertaking to say the least, with dozens of AFI historians, interns and labor from the penal system combing through hours of classic DTMT footage. AFI then assembled an all-star blue ribbon panel to choose the films. The panel consists of cinematic icons: Roger Ebert, Cornel West, the ghost of Pauline Kael, Cicely Tyson, Hulk Hogan, and legendary director Martin Scorsese's limo driver Joey Scarpaccio.

   The list itself is sure to foster debate, create controversy, and incite race riots. So sit back, enjoy, and take a trip down memory lane as we relive the greatest DTMT films of all-time!

   We begin with the #12 film, 2007's SCIENCE DAD. Hailed during it's release for the way it dealt with questions of science, mortality, and lame family sitcoms, "Science Dad" went on to earn 3 nominations at 2007's Independent Spirit Awards, including a best supporting actor nod for Sean Donnelly in the controversial role of "Monroe", the next door neighbor who enjoyed taking dumps in people's bathrooms. The production was filmed in one day at Amanda Pettit's family home in Long Island, and Pat & Blaine got severely lost while driving back into the city. They had to call up Amanda several times to clarify the directions.

  So with that, we now present the #12 greatest DTMT movie of all-time, SCIENCE DAD.

Win a date with Pat Stango !!!!!

Hey Everybody as an added bonus this week on thie show we will have a little thing called

WIN A DATE WITH PAT STANGO (Pictured above)

So show up this saturday 7pm Ochis for your chance at a truly loving relationship that will last maybe 80 or 90 minutes

The Lil Seany Boy Show
Valentines edition
Sat Feb 14th
7pm
Comix ( Ochis Lounge)
353 W 14th Street (corner of ninth ave)
No Cover

This week we welcome

Steve Bossous
Chris Laker
Dan St. Germain
Matt Goldich
Paul Goncalves
Jason Saenz



See you there !